I messaged the narc-ex today. I broke the no contact agreement. Like I should have known, he did not message back. I cried. I cried. I cried today. Did I say I cried today? Nobody asked if I was ok so hopefully they didn’t even notice my pain. I’m fighting this battle every day. I am not going to give up. I slipped today, since it was not on ice… I think >>> no I KNOW I can get up.
For me, it’s been a rough couple of weeks. I promised myself to push forward each and every day. A foot tattoo reminds me not to sink. Opposite of that there is a reminder to take one step at a time. Today there were laughs and tears. Today there was anger, hurt, anxiety, happiness, love, hope, confusion, emptiness, friendship…. so many emotions during the 15 hours I have been awake; so many I can’t name them all. However, after all was said and done I shaved my legs tonight. That’s more than I have done for myself in months and I believe that’s a sign that it’s going to be alright.
Did you shave? Did you do for yourself today? Did you push through the urge to say fuck it all and turn in to bed early and depressed to do one thing to make yourself better? I hope so! If not, do it now, just a few minutes before you count those sheep….
Shave your legs tonight …
Remind yourself it will be alright …
Maybe, just maybe…. if I plant seeds wherever I go in life on nights like tonight when there is an endless stream of tears, the droplets will reach the ground, receive rays of sun come morning and all combine to create a magnificent and beautiful garden of flowers with every step I take. I’m not much of a gardener but It’s uplifting to think the unseen tears are not wasteful and that really I’m planting a garden. Where there is a garden, there is life. Where there is life, there is opportunity. Where there is opportunity, there I will be.
Good night, I’m watering my flowers!
Unfortunately, I’m a living breathing testimony of that. I’m so passionate about writing, really I am…. but yet it has been years since I published a post. Yikes! Not a proud blogger moment 😦
To break down my title and explain more though: Yes, life, the unexpected day to day things we endure all too often get in the way of living sometimes. Living the life we may want to live anyway.
Besides moving to some corner of Australia void of other people, is there any solution? Certainly! Be intentional about “doing you boo!” Lol! But Yes! Be intentional about doing what you want to do. Devote that one hour (more or less depending) on what you find makes you spark. Beyond that, don’t convince yourself that a necessary chore is what you want to do! Washing the dishes may need to be done, but if we are really honest with ourselves is that what we WANT to do? Reserve this time for those random things you just enjoy (knitting, reading, walking, candy crush…)
Can we all commit to giving ourselves just one hour a day? Comment below and tell me how you plan to spend your one hour.
I used to have a theory about exchanging “I love you” between two people. The theory still exists but I don’t share it with too many people just because even I thought it was kind of silly (lol). Last night I finished reading The Vow by Kim and Krickitt Carpenter and was reminded of my silly theory though.
“I love you, Krickett,” I said softly.
“I love you too.”
I couldn’t believe it! My wife had not only spoken, but she had said the words I had most wanted to hear. My Krickitt was back. Just hearing those worlds made me know things would be fine.
The doctors thought Krickitt’s declaration of love to me was just a reflexive response. They claimed she likely didn’t understand what either of us was saying; her brain just knew that “I love you too” was the default response to “I love you.” From a medical standpoint I knew that was true.
Above is an exert from that book which I did enjoy very much. Their story is a great testimony of God’s provisions, true love, faith, and hope. Although the wife’s memory of her husband and their first marriage never returned their love story did turn out to be a good one!
Now back to my post today…I used to believe that true love could be seen in the way someone responded to “I love you”. It was real and natural and heart felt if that “too” was left off. Responding with “I love you too” was more of a mechanic response and less emotional in my opinion, even if it was a silly opinion. For example, “I am going to the store” is a very generic statement with no emotion attached. It would make sense to respond “I want to go to the store too” because that response is reflexive.
Who am I? No professional! And this really is just a silly observation but it is worth some consideration. I myself want to one day find myself in love, without the too!!
Have a fabulous day bloggers … until we connect again!
To date, only two people know about my book writing and its specifics. For now, I am keeping it that way! When I feel in my heart that the time is right I may share some more details. I will however share a small, very small, piece from tonight’s work just to keep you in suspense:
“Tonight I am thankful to be here and thankful to see via baked chicken and buttered toast that I am a victor, not a victim, and that victory exists”
Until we connect again…
Welcome to my blog!
I am pleased you have taken the time to visit here today!
But for the real question at hand, why?
Why am I spending time that I do not even have on writing this blog? Well several explanations come to mind actually:
1. I am a thinker, anyone who personally knows me will shake their head in agreement with this for sure! I think, think more, over think, and then re-think. I analyze, dissect, rip apart, and glue back together so many situations that life throws at us. This blog here is my way of thinking out loud. I am not a big fan of surgery but if I was this would be my way of slicing open my brain on the operating table for all you to see!
2. I was inspired in some ways by an article written by Debra Fileta, the author of True Love Dates. This past week she posted an article titled: 10 Things To Do While You’re Single. I enjoy her writing and recommend her book and resources to anyone who may currently be in the single ship. I have found through my many years of singleness (9 to be exact) that the best antidote is to surround yourself constantly with inspiration. I have found much of her work to be very inspirational. This link will take you over to her website (http://truelovedates.com/). With that being said, in her article she suggested things such as traveling, finishing academic dreams, and mission trips; those things are not possible at this time given my current circumstances BUT I will do what is possible and a blog is!
3. I am writing a book. It may take me months, or years but I feel a very strong calling to write it. Sitting in my bedroom floor is a basket that contains MANY diaries with page after page of “ME”. Through years of change they have been a constant source of peace and way for me to keep pressing on. Not everyone has a stack of nonsense sitting around and I am lucky to have that and don’t want my pile of nonsense to be a pile of wasted thoughts, time, and effort. Stay tuned for book updates and more in-depth info on this because I will go into more detail about that in the actual book. In the event that I one day make the New York Times bestseller list though, I wanted my blog to already be in place for millions to see 🙂
4. I need a hobby! I need a way to fill the quiet moments of life! In between being a single mother, full-time worker, and Jill of many trades I still have quiet moments and want to make the most of them. A plan is in place for everyone and while I am on the way to where I am getting I am going to blog!
Until we connect again…..